A Perfect Christmas...

It's what we all hope for, right? A perfect Christmas. Everyone "home" for the holidays. The perfect gifts. The perfect dinner. The perfect weather. Everyone getting along. Perfect traditions. Everyone healthy. Everyone happy.

Sounds like a dream come true, but how often does it all happen? Someone in the family doesn't make it home...or you couldn't afford that certain gift or it was out of stock...or the turkey is dry and you-know-who burnt the pumpkin pie...or slush or sunshine instead of a cold snowy day...turkey making people tired and grumpy... Auntie's in the hospital...Susie has the flu...or that sad look in Granny's eye hasn't gone away.

We wish for a perfect Christmas. We expect it and we stress ourselves over making things perfect. But think about the first Christmas. There wasn't a lot about it that was perfect, was there? I doubt Mary thought, "Perfect!" when she found out she was giving birth in a stable. Joseph probably shared her sentiment. All the political unrest at the time? Not so perfect either.

But one thing WAS perfect: God sent a Savior to all of us.

Well, I had a college professor who shared a little devotional thought just before our final exam one year. It was the BEST Christmas devotional I've ever heard. I sat there listening, totally hooked, but after the final, I wrote down notes. I can't find them anymore, so I won't do justice to what she shared with us but I want to share what I remember.

Rather than worry and stress over making things perfect, look with me for a moment at the original Christmas story. We all know the basics of Jesus being born to Mary in a rugged manger, etc. But let's look at more than that. Let's look at what the angels had to say.

They appeared months before...to Zechariah (the husband of Elizabeth who was Mary's cousin). The angel came to tell him that Elizabeth, who was barren, was going to give birth to John the Baptist...who would pave the way for Jesus. When the angel first appeared to Zechariah he was afraid. And the angel spoke, "Do not be afraid, Zechariah; your prayer has been heard."

Six months later, another angel, Gabriel, came, this time appearing to Mary. Gabriel greeted her and Mary was troubled and wondered at his greeting. So Gabriel said, "Do not be afraid, Mary; you have found favor with God."

Then came Joseph's turn. He was troubled over Mary's pregnancy and had decided to divorce her quietly. But an angel came to him and said, "Joseph son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary home as your wife...."

Finally came Jesus birth and there were the shepherds not far from his birthplace. "An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, 'Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people.'" Then they went on to announce Christ the Savior's birth.

Over and over, the angels appeared to people...humans...like you and me. And each time the people were afraid, worried, scared. And every time the angels told them, "Do not be afraid." Words of assurance..."your prayer has been heard"..."you've found favor with God"..."I bring you good news: A Savoir is born!"

So what do you say? Why don't we lay down our worries...or better yet, give them up to the same God who sent those angels (and His Son) to people like you and me.

It Came Upon a Midnight Clear's third verse says...

"O ye beneath life's crushing load, Whose forms are bending low,
Who toil along the climbing way With painful steps and slow;
Look now, for glad and golden hours Come swiftly on the wing;
Oh rest beside the weary road And hear the angels sing."

Merry Christmas, everyone. I pray that all of you can find rest and peace during this season. God bless you all. I love you!

I'm sorry it's a bit late. It was supposed to be my Christmas Eve post, but a virus tied up my computer.

What To Do, What To Do...

Man oh man, how I wish I could figure out what type of occupation would be...satisfying. As y'all know from previous posts, I'm on the lookout for a different job. For now I'm looking within the school system. (I'm desperate enough that I applied for Middle School today!) For personal reasons (like being there in the summer for my girls) it's a must. But I sincerely wish I could figure out what I REALLY want to do.

It's true that I dream of writing a novel. But honestly, part of me's afraid of that. What if I write and someone thinks it's ridiculous...like someone who's opinion I value. I mean, WHAT IF I wrote a novel well enough that it got published but people near and dear to me thought it was hokey or something. Or stupid. Or...whatever. Nevermind the little detail of actually writing something good enough to get published, lol. Who worries about that? Pfffft.

Know what? I'm a nerd. Self-proclaimed nerd, thank you very much. Okay, okay, other people have told me so, too. Or wait...maybe I'm a geek. Sometimes it's hard to differentiate betwixt the two. I like stuff like typing. I like short sweet projects that are in and out in a short time. Not something that takes months. I like creative things. I like working with graphics on my computer (not like I'm a trained pro, but I can play, baby!) lol I like things like...bouquets of sharpened pencils. Okay, that part's not true. But it's a fun part of "You've Got Mail." :D

AND I like technology. I like every new gadget that comes out. I don't OWN every new gadget that comes out but I do a bit more drooling over them than I should, probably. I like things with buttons. (Ok, Wiggles fans, I hope ALL of you burst out in "What's This Button For?" because secretly that's been my theme song for years now.)

And I love books. I love them so much that I ENJOYED working in the book section of a shipping department of a publishing house...because I was dealing with books. It wasn't like I got to sit and read them. I was picking them up and putting them with order forms and off they went to some lucky soul. But I liked it because it was books.

I'm crazy.

The end.

Sign up below to order your copy of my first book. Ha ha.

Rollin', Rollin', Rollin'!

Life can feel so crazy sometimes. And when it seems the craziest I have this tendency to want to just hunker down and do nothing...like waiting for a hurricane to move past. When it's at its craziest I just don't know where to start. Or I tell myself I don't know how to wade through all the details...or I'm just too scared. (Not in a big-bad-little-girl-scaredy-cat way, but just too apprehensive to make a decision.)

And change? I'm very reluctant about change...unless we're talking about rearranging furniture and then, well, look out, because I LOVE to keep it moving...mix it up. There've been places I've rented that furniture could only fit in one way and it...drove...me...nuts. But other changes I'm reluctant about. Well, truly...not ALL changes. When things are rotten, I welcome change wholeheartedly. (I'm NOT stupid.) If I really like or love something as it is, I can't imagine change being good...and I resist. Well, there are some things in my life that have become increasingly rotten and to make a change would be HUGE. Huge hassle. Huge task figuring out what would be best, what would work and fit around all the details of my life, and what results do I really want, anyway.

This week, I have begun to take action. My job has not been a good situation. I feel crushed/bruised by my superior and I have a very challenging group of students this year. The kids are FINALLY beginning to come around, but the other "garbage" is still there. I feel hurt and unwanted and it's SO hard to get up and go each day (although I'm working at even that...as much as I can.) So this week, after receiving what I think is pretty sound counsel from a friend, I started applying for other openings within our school district...a transfer. (So if you're thinking of me, you might pray for something good to come through.)

I feel better just for having decided to pursue a change. Life will still be crazy, I'm sure, but maybe it'll be the good crazy.

(I'm not saying Happy Thanksgiving until tomorrow.) :)

Say wha???

I teach kindergarten...as you all know. I recently went to observe a teacher at another school to see if I could get some brainy ideas to get a better handle on my very "active" class. I've adapted several of the little tricks (for lack of a better term) that the teacher used. One in particular has led to some humor and I thought I'd just pass it on...

When the class is being pretty noisy, losing focus, etc., I raise my hand high and say, "Give me five." The expected response is that everyone stops what they're doing, raise their hand high, and look at me. I don't know why, but it seems to work like a charm. However, Friday afternoon, I was losing them, so I stopped what I was doing and said, "Give me five." One of the rather...challenging...little boys didn't miss a beat. He immediately said, "Give me some sugar!" Bahahaha, who can NOT laugh at that?

Or how about this one...

When I was observing at this other school, the teacher was doing small group reading lessons. In their story there were two ants who desperately wanted this big red juicy apple but couldn't get it off the tree. So one of their ideas was to just yell at the tree, "GIVE ME THAT APPLE!" By the end of the story they learn to ask nicely and use mannerly words like, "please." Reviewing the story, the teacher asked why the ants couldn't get the apple in the early part of the story. One little girl said, "Because he was talkin' trash to that tree!" Then there were others chiming in about "trash talkin'." Very funny stuff from a five year old. Trust me.

Not earth shaking stuff here, but hey, it's more upbeat than last night's blog! :)...and for the record, that's something to be thankful for!

Heartaches

The Thanksgiving holiday is coming down the pike. It is...upon us. You can tell because of the massive CHRISTMAS-IN-YOUR-FACEness that is in every retail place these days. When it's THIS "in your face" it's undoubtedly turkey time...or past. And judging by the fact that I'm not suffering a turkey hangover, I can tell it's turkey time.

For some reason that suddenly reminds me of a sing-songy thing we used to sing and laugh at as kids... "he's a redneck, turkeyneck" (repeat about 1000 times or until your mom gives you that look.)

Anyway, it's time for digging deep and sharing what we're thankful for, right? I have SO much to be thankful for...but I don't feel it right now...which is downright shameful. (And I don't mean that flippantly.)

Instead I feel overwhelmed. I feel fearful. I feel like life is going to blow up in my face and when the dust settles I'll see that I didn't measure up. I'll find out that I'm not enough...for anyone or anything.

And there's a big part of me that figures "who can blame anyone for judging me so?" I can't think of an area of my life where I "cut the mustard." I realize that this is such a pity-party thing...but it's this big dull ache right now and I had to vent it. (Aren't YOU the lucky readers??!) I'm just not sure how to get a grip when I feel like this.

Do you know how dangerous dreams are? Maybe some people dream the possible, but I don't think I can. I dream of things that are not attainable. I don't dream of accomplishments. I don't dream of "doing." I dream of relationships. I dream of stuff like...being chosen. I dream of stuff like...being wanted more than anything else that life offers. I dream of real true love...and finding that it can be reciprocal and not just some romantic nonsense in my head. I dream of someone seeing me, faults and all, and just loving me anyway.

I know it happens. I have this awesome brother. (Don't tell him I said he's awesome.) He's married to his awesome little wife. (You can tell her I said she's awesome.) They love each other. Like...for real. They see the faults, but the love is there. It's solid. It's a fact. Like a universal truth. I can love that way...but what do I have to offer that someone would feel reciprocally? (Is that even a word?)

My brother knew...he KNEW...by the end of one date, that he he had found "the one." He KNEW. I'm happy for them both.

I just can't help but wonder how on earth I made such stupid mistakes. Did I totally mess up the plan that God had for me? Or was it meant for me to walk this road...feeling invisible and bruised?

For the first time in years, here lately, I've felt hopeful. Hopeful that life was going to unfold in a positive way and it's not that those hopes have been smashed. It's that the fear has been stirred. What if I'm not enough?

Tough question.

I now return you to your Thanksgivinginess...and hope to get going here wth some humor very soon, cuz, frankly...this blog was (dare I say it?)...sucky.

Life Changes

Wow, has my life changed! My last post was August 9th, I think. Here it is, August 11th, and my life is so different, it makes my head spin.

Some of you know and some of you may not know, but a little over a month ago (lean in here, because I'm going to whisper this next bit...) I started dating again. Yes, I'm serious. Me. Hill. The woman who's been a single mom for like....400 years now? Yep. It's true. An amazing man seemingly appeared out of nowhere and asked me out. Ok...that might not be entirely true. He IS amazing. He DID ask me out. But no one really comes out of nowhere. I have known him ... on a professional basis ... since last December. I had enjoyed making his acquaintance, chatting whenever I saw him, etc., but had not contemplated anything further. My mom saw it coming. My bff saw it coming (and she's never met the man). I laughed them off. No one notices me...not like that, silly women. As if. Then...out of the blue...he asked me to dinner. I accepted. And here it is, a little over five weeks later, and we're still going out...and having an amazing time.

It blows my mind really. I know you complimentary friends who will say "you look beautiful," etc., but it never sinks into MY brain...or heart, really. So now there's this amazing man, sweet, intelligent...and yes, lookin' fiiiiine, ...who tells me I'm beautiful...and stares at my face, looking his fill.

How did it happen? A gift from God, I'd say. An answer to prayer. A blessing.

My thoughts are getting jumbled and I'm not blogging so great, but this is the time to be blogging, I say. Life is more than a survival routine now.

And I'm too tired to think of how to wind this up, so I'm just going to back away from the keyboard now.....

And that's when my eyes popped out of my head.

Today was a good day. It was really really good. I got up and got ready for church, thinking it would be cool to put some curls in my hair. Now curls are NOT a bad idea...but they just didn't pan out the way I had hoped and I came off looking like Bozo's lost cousin. Unfortunately it was time to head out the door to Praise Team practice and so off I went, curls bouncing along and seemingly wanting to attack my face. Mom said that the curls looked good ... that they were fine. Then I'd look at her and she'd collapse into a fit of giggles. She swore it was the look on my face...but the curls are the reason for the look on my face, so I figure it's all connected, right? The curls are to blame. So I grab my sun glasses and kind of maneuver them up on top of my head like a head-band of sorts and into the church I went. No one on praise team laughed at me. Yay them! So practice was over and Mom and I headed out for breakfast during the Sunday School hour because I'd taken too long with curls to mess with eating. There we sat in Dunkin' Donuts when Mom was overcome with another fit of giggles. There was nothing to do but head for home and go for some damage control. So we did. And amazingly enough, it worked. Sometimes I try to "fix" hair-gone-wrong and it backfires. Today worked out, though.

But enough of that. At church we were told that there would be no Praise Team practice this evening, as is the usual on every other Sunday night. It was cancelled for preparation for VBS. So a couple of us on the praise team were talking it over and, long-story-short, I ended up volunteering for everyone to come to my house for a social in lieu of practice.

So Mom and I came home after church service and cleaned and cleaned and cleaned and cleaned and cleaned. And did I mention we cleaned? But you know what? My house was actually in decent shape for company when they all arrived. I will ALWAYS be one whose house has signs of "life" in it. I'll never live in a show case. But it was in good shape. That always makes me feel good. I don't even care that I would not open the door of my bedroom because of the fright that was inside there. Doesn't matter, because the "public" portions of my house were goood.

And now the whole reason for my blog tonight. You're wondering when my eyes popped out of my head, aren't you? Well, here we go. When we got home from church I went into my bedroom to change into clothes so I can really have a go at the cleaning. (Now there's a scary lead-in, no?) I put on a shirt and grab my long black shorts. I tried putting them on and it was no easy task. Yes, I got them up, but it was like being in a movie. I laid back on the bed to make my tummy flat enough to fasten the dang thangs. I've been weighing myself off and on the past few weeks and my weight has been hovering at 115...which is about my norm. After I got the shorts on I walked out to the dining room where my scale happens to be. Why? I don't know, but it's there. My dining room and living room have no wall between them, just different flooring. The dining room has hard ceramic tile...which, by the way, is incredibly slippery when wet. The living room has carpet. Well the scale had been pushed over onto the carpet and, not thinking about that fact, I step onto the scale. I glance down, looking toward the scale reading, but not really thinking yet, because I'm waiting for it to stop moving. The scale slows and stops at 180 pounds. 180!?!?! THAT's when my eyes popped out of my head. Then in that split second I realized that my scale was on carpet instead of on a hard surface. Whew! I was wondering how I could gain 65 pounds without noticing! I moved it back onto the ceramic tile and got a much better reading, lol. Higher than normal but compared to 180 it was wholly acceptable.

Praise team friends came over and we ate yummy cake and did a lot of laughing.

A good day.