Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Rollin', Rollin', Rollin'!

Life can feel so crazy sometimes. And when it seems the craziest I have this tendency to want to just hunker down and do waiting for a hurricane to move past. When it's at its craziest I just don't know where to start. Or I tell myself I don't know how to wade through all the details...or I'm just too scared. (Not in a big-bad-little-girl-scaredy-cat way, but just too apprehensive to make a decision.)

And change? I'm very reluctant about change...unless we're talking about rearranging furniture and then, well, look out, because I LOVE to keep it moving...mix it up. There've been places I've rented that furniture could only fit in one way and But other changes I'm reluctant about. Well, truly...not ALL changes. When things are rotten, I welcome change wholeheartedly. (I'm NOT stupid.) If I really like or love something as it is, I can't imagine change being good...and I resist. Well, there are some things in my life that have become increasingly rotten and to make a change would be HUGE. Huge hassle. Huge task figuring out what would be best, what would work and fit around all the details of my life, and what results do I really want, anyway.

This week, I have begun to take action. My job has not been a good situation. I feel crushed/bruised by my superior and I have a very challenging group of students this year. The kids are FINALLY beginning to come around, but the other "garbage" is still there. I feel hurt and unwanted and it's SO hard to get up and go each day (although I'm working at even much as I can.) So this week, after receiving what I think is pretty sound counsel from a friend, I started applying for other openings within our school district...a transfer. (So if you're thinking of me, you might pray for something good to come through.)

I feel better just for having decided to pursue a change. Life will still be crazy, I'm sure, but maybe it'll be the good crazy.

(I'm not saying Happy Thanksgiving until tomorrow.) :)

Monday, November 23, 2009

Say wha???

I teach you all know. I recently went to observe a teacher at another school to see if I could get some brainy ideas to get a better handle on my very "active" class. I've adapted several of the little tricks (for lack of a better term) that the teacher used. One in particular has led to some humor and I thought I'd just pass it on...

When the class is being pretty noisy, losing focus, etc., I raise my hand high and say, "Give me five." The expected response is that everyone stops what they're doing, raise their hand high, and look at me. I don't know why, but it seems to work like a charm. However, Friday afternoon, I was losing them, so I stopped what I was doing and said, "Give me five." One of the rather...challenging...little boys didn't miss a beat. He immediately said, "Give me some sugar!" Bahahaha, who can NOT laugh at that?

Or how about this one...

When I was observing at this other school, the teacher was doing small group reading lessons. In their story there were two ants who desperately wanted this big red juicy apple but couldn't get it off the tree. So one of their ideas was to just yell at the tree, "GIVE ME THAT APPLE!" By the end of the story they learn to ask nicely and use mannerly words like, "please." Reviewing the story, the teacher asked why the ants couldn't get the apple in the early part of the story. One little girl said, "Because he was talkin' trash to that tree!" Then there were others chiming in about "trash talkin'." Very funny stuff from a five year old. Trust me.

Not earth shaking stuff here, but hey, it's more upbeat than last night's blog! :)...and for the record, that's something to be thankful for!

Sunday, November 22, 2009


The Thanksgiving holiday is coming down the pike. It is...upon us. You can tell because of the massive CHRISTMAS-IN-YOUR-FACEness that is in every retail place these days. When it's THIS "in your face" it's undoubtedly turkey time...or past. And judging by the fact that I'm not suffering a turkey hangover, I can tell it's turkey time.

For some reason that suddenly reminds me of a sing-songy thing we used to sing and laugh at as kids... "he's a redneck, turkeyneck" (repeat about 1000 times or until your mom gives you that look.)

Anyway, it's time for digging deep and sharing what we're thankful for, right? I have SO much to be thankful for...but I don't feel it right now...which is downright shameful. (And I don't mean that flippantly.)

Instead I feel overwhelmed. I feel fearful. I feel like life is going to blow up in my face and when the dust settles I'll see that I didn't measure up. I'll find out that I'm not enough...for anyone or anything.

And there's a big part of me that figures "who can blame anyone for judging me so?" I can't think of an area of my life where I "cut the mustard." I realize that this is such a pity-party thing...but it's this big dull ache right now and I had to vent it. (Aren't YOU the lucky readers??!) I'm just not sure how to get a grip when I feel like this.

Do you know how dangerous dreams are? Maybe some people dream the possible, but I don't think I can. I dream of things that are not attainable. I don't dream of accomplishments. I don't dream of "doing." I dream of relationships. I dream of stuff like...being chosen. I dream of stuff like...being wanted more than anything else that life offers. I dream of real true love...and finding that it can be reciprocal and not just some romantic nonsense in my head. I dream of someone seeing me, faults and all, and just loving me anyway.

I know it happens. I have this awesome brother. (Don't tell him I said he's awesome.) He's married to his awesome little wife. (You can tell her I said she's awesome.) They love each other. Like...for real. They see the faults, but the love is there. It's solid. It's a fact. Like a universal truth. I can love that way...but what do I have to offer that someone would feel reciprocally? (Is that even a word?)

My brother knew...he the end of one date, that he he had found "the one." He KNEW. I'm happy for them both.

I just can't help but wonder how on earth I made such stupid mistakes. Did I totally mess up the plan that God had for me? Or was it meant for me to walk this road...feeling invisible and bruised?

For the first time in years, here lately, I've felt hopeful. Hopeful that life was going to unfold in a positive way and it's not that those hopes have been smashed. It's that the fear has been stirred. What if I'm not enough?

Tough question.

I now return you to your Thanksgivinginess...and hope to get going here wth some humor very soon, cuz, frankly...this blog was (dare I say it?)...sucky.