Saturday, February 21, 2009

Prayers, please.

I'm going to talk about a health concern I have tonight. And because some may consider this an awfully public place, I'll just preface with some warnings. Personally, I'm not concerned over who reads it, but...

Warning Number 1: If you really don't want to know TOO much about me, this might not be the post for you.

Warning Number 2: If you don't want to chance a bit of TMI, this post might not be the post for you.

Warning Number 3: If you're among my male friends...or just happen to be a guy who stumbles through my blog, I'm just telling you now that if you read on, it's on your head. It isn't such that you'd say "I can NOT believe she just said that," but different people have different privacy standards. I'm just giving you forewarning.

Two to three months ago, I discovered a little pea-size lump/knot/hard little thingamabob among the lymph nodes of my groin. I went to the doctor and he said it was most likely just a lymph node that had become hard due to fighting some minor infection somewhere. He said for me to watch it and let him know if it became tender, grew or changed in any way, or if any more little pea-size lumps/knots/hard little thingamabobs made an appearance. A few weeks after that I was again in his office, for other reasons, but he examined the little pea again and said that I should just keep watch as before. He said I shouldn't be worried about it. I had been worried before going to get it checked out the first time and felt much relieved when he felt comfortable enough to say it wasn't something to worry about.

This morning, however, as I was getting dressed, I noticed a tender spot in my breast. In the back of my mind I figured it was general tenderness from hormones. A normal part of life. But at the same time that went through my mind, I started to check it out and noticed a lump. It's a very small lump. So I thought at the time, maybe I'm imagining (while really thinking I wasn't) and I went about my day. From time to time I'd try to feel for it. Sometimes I couldn't feel anything. Other times I THOUGHT I could. Finally, earlier this evening I laid down to try to check it out like they do at the doctor's during yearly exams. I could feel the little tender lump.

I freaked out a bit. My heart was pounding and a million possibilities were rushing through my head. I sent text messages and IM's and tried to call four different people. No one was available. Then a few minutes later they all pounced on me. Lots of tears. And at the same time I know it's premature worry. It might be nothing at all. But on the other hand we all know that lumps can be a really bad thing. And you see, the thing is, I have these two little girls who are counting on me to be here until they're 100. I'm under orders. And the thought of NOT being here for them had me really scared. Even the thought that IF it was cancer, having to take treatment would interfere hugely with my job and I have no choice but to work. There IS no alternative. That's where my insurance comes and it's the only way to put food on my children's plates and a roof over their head. All those worries...

It didn't take too long to calm down. And tears are cleansing. I'm feeling very steady right now.

But anyway, I share all of this because I really covet your prayers. When you think of me, would you please say a prayer that this will all be nothing?