Tuesday, February 3, 2009


I probably shouldn't blog tonight. So YOU probably shouldn't bother reading this. ONE of us has to use some self control. I nominate you.

Yeah, I probably shouldn't blog, but I am. It's been what? 10 days since I last blogged? And how many before that? Anyway, I've had things on my mind and have been thinking of settling in for a good serious blog. Big stuff going on, or big to me, I guess. But I think I'll save the big stuff for another night when I'm not in the "place" I'm in right now.

I've been doing fairly well recently...even got my kitchen spic and span last night...which hasn't happened in waaaay too long. It felt good. It probably felt better than your run of the hill act of responsibility should. I mean for crying out loud, it was just washing dishes? oooo what an accomplishment. But for me it was. I'm good at putting them off. And I'm good at getting started and deciding I'm just sick of it and leaving half of them (or more) still sitting there...for "tomorrow." ("Tomorrow" should not be taken literally.)

I came home today, cooked in that nice clean kitchen...real food even. Too much food, really. But I felt proud of that, too. No fast food. No easy, pop-in-the-microwave thing. No sandwich. Chili. I made chili. First time in years. And it was good. And I felt proud.

Then I sat down and surfed to some of the corners of cyber-space that I like to visit. Peek in on my friends. Etc. I was doing just fine. Then one of my last stops just blew everything for me. Nothing wrong at that stop...just triggered some thoughts that made me sad and sent me spinning a bit.

I decided to just put the computer aside and go get the nap I'd been looking forward to today. A nap always feels good. At worst it would just feel neutral...and that would have been a step up, really. But unfortunately my brain was working too hard and I laid down and all those sad thoughts just kept spinning. Too much reality to them or they wouldn't have caused the tears and made me give up on the nap.

Do you ever feel that almost every friendship or relationship in your life is just more heavily wanted by YOU than by anyone else? Like people find you pleasant enough, but could take you or leave you, whatever? I hate to sound like pathetic, but it's just how I feel.

There are people on this earth that I adore...that I just love to be with however I can...and some of them really indulge me. Some are so kind and so sweet. But when you step back and weigh things out, it seems that it's me who wants and them who are just too kind to tell me to back off. And I can't begin to tell you how utterly tired of that feeling I am. I would love for some of these people to feel in their hearts how I feel about them...to just want to be with them...to want to know them...to want to share as much of life together as we can. It just never seems to work out that way.

And tonight's one of those nights I just can't shake it. The bad part is that when I'm fine and dandy, I think about these things...and come to the same conclusion. But it just doesn't seem to hurt as much...or I'm able to just accept it for what it is.

And what's worse is I really need to vent at times like this, but I don't want you guys seeing me as this down, bluesy sort of person. I am really an upbeat sort of person. An optimist. I am. And I'm afraid I'm going to go down in cyberhistory as the big bawl baby of blog land. Ugh.

I think I'm going to go boycott estrogen now. Thanks for listening.