Sound dramatic? "THE GREAT CONTROVERSY".... Ok, maybe not so much. But a bit of a ... should I say "a dilemma?" I'm not even sure if that's right.
Here's the deal. I like to write. I like to write a lot. I like to write as much and as often as I can. But really. I haven't done much writing around here. I haven't done much around anywhere. And unlike some of you, it's not because of a busy schedule. I mean...yeah, I have plenty to do, but I'd make time for blogging late every evening, so time isn't the issue.
So what IS the issue? It's my mood, for lack of better explanation. I'd love to write, but I guess I'm just really struggling these days and I don't want to come on here and be all wah, wah, wah all the time. So instead, if I don't have some great blogging idea, I just don't write. But then I feel discouraged about that because I WANT TO WRITE, dang it! lol
I continue my struggle with motivation. I am having more and more trouble just getting up and staying on top of everything. And I don't know any other way to say this, but I feel really down about me. I don't mean that I'm having a pity party, it's more like just seeing facts about myself and they do NOT please me. Some things are things I could/should change if I could get it together and go for it. Other things are just about who I am and the way others perceive me...and there's been a real pattern there all my life. Come highs or come lows, those things don't change and so it's easy to just believe others' opinions. What else is there to go on?
I also struggle with discontentment...and the fact that I feel discontented. I am blessed. I know that. I read our Thanksgiving list. (Did you? lol) But I struggle with who/where/what I am right now...in the sense of the uncontrollable. Things I wish for, dream of, and the time table of it all...frustrate me and leave me unsatisfied. And I KNOW this is wrong. Some would debate with me whether or not it's wrong, but I truly believe it is. And at the very least it's not the best choice. Choosing contentment and working toward better things is different than just sitting back and feeling dissatisfied and discontented. And that's a struggle for me right now. I'm not sure how I'm going to work through that one...or the motivation thing...or some real changes I'd like to make in me, for my health and for my "happiness."
So that's where I am right now. And that's why I'm not writing on here as much as I'd like. I didn't mean to come on and have a pity party or be a downer (which as I explained is why I've not been blogging very regularly lately.) And yet, explaining myself kind of did that anyway.
Just wanted to share. Maybe something good and funny will come up soon and I'll share it. Hey, we've got birthday #8 for my Al-gal this Friday. It'll be ... well, maybe I'll save that for Friday.