Sunday, April 5, 2009

I'm Alive.

Catchy title, eh?

Well, I feel like I haven't been here in forever. But then to me, the last two weeks have been about a year long and held enough stressers to spread over a couple years, too. So I've wasted time on facebook and leaving an impression in the sofa.

I'm not going to write about all the things going through my head these past couple weeks. There've beeen scathing reviews at work that were crushing. There've been medical visits...going to a surgeon this Wednesday for a consult...lump number two appeared this week. And there are issues to be settled about Megan's schooling that stir up a number of decisions I've pondered nearly forever and haven't wanted to undertake. I'm feeling incredibly tempted now...and confused...and scared.... So I'm praying and I'm waiting and I'm agonizing. So many questions...with answers that only time will tell, really. So I'm praying for God's wisdom.

And that's just some of the stuff. The other stuff I don't even want to write here. I don't want anyone to see inside my foolish head and heart to see the things that break it. But broken it is. Not beyond repair...but the break still hurts.

I'm on Day 2 of an 11-day Spring Break. I can't begin to say how glad I am to be on break. There is plenty to get accomplished so it won't be all rest and play (unless I follow my usual unproductive pattern, but I've got a friend egging me on so I'm sure I'll get to some projects, lol.) But to be out of the school is sooooo good. I struggle with teaching as it is. It's the only profession that I really wanted to undertake, but the problem is that I don't really want a profession. I want to be a wife and mommy and make my family feel loved and cared for. That's my big ambition. Not a bit of career woman in me. But I work. I work to feed my kids and provide health insurance, keep roof over our heads....all of it. And I try to do my best. But this year my best didn't measure up. And the scathing review I got was crushing. It hurt. And now I don't even want to be there.

The past two weeks have held hurts that are just more than I want to deal with. I want to wake up tomorrow and find out that it was all a bad dream and that I have my act together. And my life is something different than what it is. And even THAT makes me struggle. Where is my contentment? What room do I have to complain? I have blessings beyond what I deserve. There are people out there with much worse. But my struggle is there.

And THIS is why I haven't blogged a lot lately. Seems I just blog the blues and that's not who I am. But that's WHERE I am right now. I'm hoping I'm on the upswing though. I'll think of some funnies to share soon and we'll have some happy blogs.

See you all 'round. (I'm coming to catch up on your blogs SOON.)


Dee from Downunder said...

I hope you can use your break to recharge your mind and soul. So sorry the past few weeks have been so hard for you Hill. whatever I write here seems lame, but I am thinking of you, know that.

Hillary said...

Thank you, Dee. Your words don't sound lame. Life can be hard sometimes. I know that. And knowing a friend is thinking of you offers strength.

So, thank you.