Monday, August 4, 2008

Where has summer gone??

Oh the summer temperatures haven't gone anywhere, no doubt about that, but our summer break is all but gone. One week from today I head back to my classroom to prepare for another batch of kindergarteners...but I'm already grieving the loss of summer. It's kind of like going on vacation to see someone really dear. My first day there I already start the countdown in my head..."I've only got six more days with them" and sadness hits. The sadness goes while you're having fun, but each night as you ready for bed you tick off another day and think, "I've ONLY got...."

Why IS that? I would like SO badly to just enjoy the moments and let them be wonderful. I mean, being together with loved ones is so important and so wonderful, so why can't we just save the "missing" for when we're apart. I wish I understood that better and could keep from feeling that way. I work at it...but it's just that - WORK.

Anyway, nevermind that. I'm feeling rather meloncholy tonight...I have for several days. I have so much to be thankful for. If I listed the blessings God has given and is giving...known to me and unknown to/unnoticed by me, the list would be so great. Yet, I feel meloncholy. I get a bit tired of being the person I am right now. I want to be GREAT. And I don't mean that in terms of success that the world recognizes. I just know I could do so much better at so many things and in so many ways, yet I've settled for some time...due to a form of depression (not a chemical thing, but circumstantial I think)...and I've been tired of it for some time, but how does one pull oneself OUT of it? That still, small voice I recognize as God's tells me that He's the one who pulls us out...that one doesn't do it on one's own....BUT there are things, practically speaking, that a person has to do to help with the process, I think. And I'm failing in making the grade I think.

(Sheesh, maybe I shouldn't blog late at night. WHAT an UPPER!)

I'm sitting in the middle of my queen-size bed between two sleeping girls. Tonight's going to be crowded! I can't tell my girls "no" every night, (though I manage to rule it out during school weeks) no matter how crowded and uncomfy it is for me. I mean they just want to be with me. How special is that? I love them. They're incredible.

Okay, I'm winding down this rambling mess. I should really have written earlier when the girls and I were singing and dancing around to "The Dancing Queen."



klynch said...

OO good song! I hope youenjoyed the danceing I'm sure it was fun. O to have a summer.... something I long for and miss from being in school.. those days are gone. Now it's take every little opertunity to spend with my son and get the most out of it. there are not many summer trips yet hopefully when he gets bigger we can do that. OO summer fun so much missed!

mummy said...

I understand exactly where you are coming from you know we are, in many ways, going through the same kind of things. I too feel that I am stuck in a hole and I can't get out. I am impatient and irritable and lazy - all things that I despise myself for. I still tell myself that it will take a long time to grieve for someone so special but I still feel that I am missing out on my son's childhood sometimes. I hope I will not look back and not regret my actions - I wish I could pull myself out of this. (((HUGS)))

Hillary said...

Thanks mummy,

((hugs)) and prayers. We WILL pull out of this.