Thursday, October 30, 2008

Thoughtful...Pensive Even...

Tonight I'm blogging to get the jumbled thoughts and emotions out of my head. The past several days have been pretty cool (other than the fire alarm scares.) An old friend found me on facebook. So I made her my facebook friend and through her I found, or was found by, two more friends from the same time. My family moved away from this small town we lived in right after 7th grade and I haven't seen these girls since. Unless I saw them at their graduation and I can't remember how many I made it around to say "hi" to. But you get the idea. It's been a while.

And as I look at their photos I look to see if I can see the babies I remember. I mean, let's face it: 7th graders are babies. Although I wouldn't recommend telling your own kids that when they're in 7th grade because they might choke to death at the preposterous statement you've made...or they might choke YOU to death. A lose/lose situation we'd like to try to avoid.

All three girls look SO much like they did back then...only...grown up. The eyes are the same. The smiles are the same. They're just...grown up.

But as I look at their photos again, a thought starts seeping in. "They're like normal housewifey people." Even if they work, they're normal housewifey mommy people. I know that in writing this conveys NOTHING of what that means in my head and I'm sorry because I don't really know another way of putting it.

But with that "normal" thought and thinking of my other friends (like you ladies), I'm reminded of a feeling I had so many times growing up and frankly I hadn't thought of it in a while. It's that "why aren't *I* normal?" thought. I used to sit and tick off ways or phases of my life that just proved further that I didn't fit or was different. I was never overly emotional about it and I'm still not. But it makes me feel a little sad. Like I'm missing out on something.

I think the thing that strikes the strongest chord is looking at pictures of families doing things. I KNOW that my girls and I are a family but no matter how many times I tell myself that, it just doesn't feel complete. And once again, I'm abnormal.

I didn't say this for a pity party. I just need to sort out that feeling and get it out in front of me. Or at least out of my head where it's on a slow annoying simmer.

And I know that each and every one of my friends, including you ladies, would tell tales of how you've felt "different" or this sort of thing. At least a great many would. But that doesn't do anything for my head. The feeling is still there...and the longing to belong. To not be the oddball. (Well that one I could work on but it sure would be dull, lol.)

Anyway, I don't know that I've come to any resolution by writing this out. I don't think that was my goal. I just needed to process. So sorry to take your time with it, but thanks for reading. ;)

Oh, and ... say a little prayer for me. I have to take 16 kids trick or treating through the school tomorrow. I have to dress them all up. Take them to about 15 different places. Get them back into regular clothes and do "fun" stuff alllllllllllllllllllllll day long. And let's count the parent volunteers. Ready. Ok, stop counting. That's all there are. ZERO. Yippee. Come over tomorrow night and we can count my gray hair!

1 comment:

Dee from Downunder said...

I'll just say: read it, understand it and hugs.