Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Blog Therapy

No creativity tonight. This won't be a blog you'll really enjoy. But I need to write so here I sit.

If I "had" someone here, I'd cry on their shoulder and babble on about lots of unrelated things that wouldn't make a lot of sense. But no one's here right now, so I'm typing.

If I actually "had" someone here, maybe they'd just understand it's me and let me cry and babble. But no one's here right now, so I'm typing.

I got myself all tense about some stuff for work. A deadline I thought was later this week was actually yesterday (though that deadline was made with a couple day's breathing room, actually). I promised I'd have everything ready first thing tomorrow morning. The problem is I forgot to keep a copy of some testing I did of my class and didn't get to the lady who has the original before she left Monday so I'll walk into school without having kept my promise and that makes me sick. So I'm stressed over that.

And today was full of reminders that my baby (my first one) is growing up. I know, I know, she's only ten, but she's changing already. I can tell it in her emotions and her sense of responsibility.

For example, the past five years of schooling for Meg have been years of her and I battling over her homework. It was a battle that started right after school and ended well after dinner...sometimes til bed or worse. This year, she just does it. She had a bit of work she didn't finish last night (knowing she had today off school). So this morning, I decide to sleep in just a little bit. 7:30 or 8:00, I thought. Meg is a real morning person. She got up somewhere around 6:40 and headed to the living room. Alli had crawled into my bed in the night and at around 7:00 or 7:15 she woke and realized Meg had gotten up and she went to the living room, too. Seconds later she was crawling back in my bed, saying, "Megan's doing her spelling." ?????????????????????????? Without being told? Got up, resisted the tv, resisted her DS, resisted getting every toy on earth out to spread around the living room in Saturday morning style....and did homework. It might not sound like a big deal, but if you knew how often these little things happen, you'd see too that Meg's growing up.

Then to add insult to injury, tonight Megan shaved her legs for the first time. Now I know some will think it's insane. Too young. There are a lot of things that I feel strongly shouldn't happen too young, too. But shaving isn't one of them. It was one of those things that made her feel self-conscious. So the shaving has begun.

And I sit here feeling sad. It's like...a rite of passage or something. And I'm proud of her. So very proud of the young lady she's slowly becoming. I know she's still a little girl in so many ways, too, but the journey is beginning. It fills me with feelings of regret. There are so many things I want/wanted for her childhood and before I know it, it will all be over. And there's nothing I can do about it. I just wish for a sound family for her and Alli. And while I think that as a single mom, I do a pretty good job...in so many ways, I don't feel like I make us a "family." I'm not good at creating traditions all on my own. And they come home from dad's talking about the things they do...or traditions, etc., and I feel ... cheated somehow. He's presenting a family life to them and what am I giving them?

And now I feel like I'm running out of time. I want so badly to model for them what two loving parents should be like. I want them to see a good marriage so they can grow up to expect good and not just put up with who knows what. But there's just me. I can't model a relationship when I don't have one.

So yeah, I'm blue tonight. And I wish it was just tonight that I feel this way, but I think these feelings lay down in my heart a lot of the time. But what do you do? You can't change reality? You can move forward in your life and do your best, but you can't just dictate it.

None of this is what I dreamed of as a child. And I sit back and wonder how I could have made such monumental mistakes to be left with the life I've got right now.

I could ramble on a long time, but I'm stopping now. I don't know if this is the sort of thing you vent in a blog, but I guess I just did.

I'll be back soon with something more than this therapy session.....

7 comments:

Dee said...

I'll send you a shoulder from over here. We all need one now and then.

I know my life at present is not what I wanted for my girls, so I can empathise there. Hopefully, I have the strengh to change it soon.

A family is what you make it, sounds like you are doing a prety good job.

Traditions are simple to develop - as a kid, we used to go into the city Monday afternoons, have icecream, and come home and have fish and chips - every Monday, we knew what it would be. Simple, but I remember it all these years later.

Sorry for the long post, just wanted to you to know that we care.

Mummy said...

Hill I offer you my shoulder, virtual though it may be. (((HUGS)))

You are doing a fantastic job for the girls and you are teaching them so O much. My mum brought me up on my own and I'm sure she had the same feelings as you are having now. It certainly wasn't how she would have planned it. but you know what, looking back, I wouldn't have changed a thing. And I'm sure your girls will feel the same. You may not have been able to share a 'model family' with them, but in many ways you have given them more than that. Your actions have shown them what it is to be brave and strong and do what you need to do, even when it feels the hardest thing in the world. You're doing an awesome job.

Love you Hill. (((HUGS)))

Hillary said...

Thanks Dee and Mummy. I appreciate your encouragement. I'm not so blue today. I still have the same frustrations, but I'm not feeling them so much today. I think the stress over things at school kind of piled up on the other feelings and just intensified everything.

Thanks for bothering to read all of that and thank you for the tips and the encouragement you've offered.

((hugs)) to both of you!

Sunshine said...

Aw Hill! You are such a wonderful mom! I mean look at you! And it is SO much better than before, right? Yes. Way better. And like Dee and Mummy said, there are thinks YOU and you alone give them that they just can't get anywhere else. They will thank you someday for the amazing mom you are/were to them. They too will wurprise and delight you with treasured memories and yes...traditions. Just because you don't have the stereotypical traditions, you have your own. Yes...Yes, you do!

All they need is you. ((hugs))

Hillary said...

Thanks to you, too, Sunshine. I appreciate your encouragement.

Love ya!

Sunshine said...

Hill--MAN...talk about your typos! Sorry about that! I think I was in a hurry. What a wurprise! (wink wink)

Love Ya!

Hillary said...

LOL, Sunshine. You know I usually kind of "ignore" typos. I mean, I ALWAYS SEE them, but I read them as what they're supposed to say. But "wurprise" was so good, I just read it as "wurprise."...and it made me laugh.

So rock on! Typo away! LOL