No creativity tonight. This won't be a blog you'll really enjoy. But I need to write so here I sit.
If I "had" someone here, I'd cry on their shoulder and babble on about lots of unrelated things that wouldn't make a lot of sense. But no one's here right now, so I'm typing.
If I actually "had" someone here, maybe they'd just understand it's me and let me cry and babble. But no one's here right now, so I'm typing.
I got myself all tense about some stuff for work. A deadline I thought was later this week was actually yesterday (though that deadline was made with a couple day's breathing room, actually). I promised I'd have everything ready first thing tomorrow morning. The problem is I forgot to keep a copy of some testing I did of my class and didn't get to the lady who has the original before she left Monday so I'll walk into school without having kept my promise and that makes me sick. So I'm stressed over that.
And today was full of reminders that my baby (my first one) is growing up. I know, I know, she's only ten, but she's changing already. I can tell it in her emotions and her sense of responsibility.
For example, the past five years of schooling for Meg have been years of her and I battling over her homework. It was a battle that started right after school and ended well after dinner...sometimes til bed or worse. This year, she just does it. She had a bit of work she didn't finish last night (knowing she had today off school). So this morning, I decide to sleep in just a little bit. 7:30 or 8:00, I thought. Meg is a real morning person. She got up somewhere around 6:40 and headed to the living room. Alli had crawled into my bed in the night and at around 7:00 or 7:15 she woke and realized Meg had gotten up and she went to the living room, too. Seconds later she was crawling back in my bed, saying, "Megan's doing her spelling." ?????????????????????????? Without being told? Got up, resisted the tv, resisted her DS, resisted getting every toy on earth out to spread around the living room in Saturday morning style....and did homework. It might not sound like a big deal, but if you knew how often these little things happen, you'd see too that Meg's growing up.
Then to add insult to injury, tonight Megan shaved her legs for the first time. Now I know some will think it's insane. Too young. There are a lot of things that I feel strongly shouldn't happen too young, too. But shaving isn't one of them. It was one of those things that made her feel self-conscious. So the shaving has begun.
And I sit here feeling sad. It's like...a rite of passage or something. And I'm proud of her. So very proud of the young lady she's slowly becoming. I know she's still a little girl in so many ways, too, but the journey is beginning. It fills me with feelings of regret. There are so many things I want/wanted for her childhood and before I know it, it will all be over. And there's nothing I can do about it. I just wish for a sound family for her and Alli. And while I think that as a single mom, I do a pretty good job...in so many ways, I don't feel like I make us a "family." I'm not good at creating traditions all on my own. And they come home from dad's talking about the things they do...or traditions, etc., and I feel ... cheated somehow. He's presenting a family life to them and what am I giving them?
And now I feel like I'm running out of time. I want so badly to model for them what two loving parents should be like. I want them to see a good marriage so they can grow up to expect good and not just put up with who knows what. But there's just me. I can't model a relationship when I don't have one.
So yeah, I'm blue tonight. And I wish it was just tonight that I feel this way, but I think these feelings lay down in my heart a lot of the time. But what do you do? You can't change reality? You can move forward in your life and do your best, but you can't just dictate it.
None of this is what I dreamed of as a child. And I sit back and wonder how I could have made such monumental mistakes to be left with the life I've got right now.
I could ramble on a long time, but I'm stopping now. I don't know if this is the sort of thing you vent in a blog, but I guess I just did.
I'll be back soon with something more than this therapy session.....
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Monday, September 29, 2008
Guess Who's a What!!
(2 blogs, 1 day = difficulty focusing)
This year, my daughter, Megan, decided she wanted to try out for the school choir, The Bayshore Singers. Auditions were this morning and she was excited and ready to go.
This afternoon, I walked into my classroom after some after-school duties and she was waiting in my room.
She grabbed both my arms and said, "GUESS WHO'S A WHAT!!"
I said, "You're a Bayshore Singer??!"
And she screamed, "YES!!!!" and jumped up into my arms. (And I wonder why my back hurts, lol.)
She is so excited to have made it through auditions and to have made the choir. And so I had to come brag a bit about my girl. Mom's are supposed to do that, you know. Isn't it nice that we enjoy it so much??? :D
This year, my daughter, Megan, decided she wanted to try out for the school choir, The Bayshore Singers. Auditions were this morning and she was excited and ready to go.
This afternoon, I walked into my classroom after some after-school duties and she was waiting in my room.
She grabbed both my arms and said, "GUESS WHO'S A WHAT!!"
I said, "You're a Bayshore Singer??!"
And she screamed, "YES!!!!" and jumped up into my arms. (And I wonder why my back hurts, lol.)
She is so excited to have made it through auditions and to have made the choir. And so I had to come brag a bit about my girl. Mom's are supposed to do that, you know. Isn't it nice that we enjoy it so much??? :D
Alli Strikes Again, aka, What Are YOUR Kids Watching?
We're hanging out this evening watching Spongebob and a few minutes ago commercials came on. Now, thanks to DVR technology, I almost never watch commercials anymore, but tonight we're watching "Live."
So a commercial came on with some man and his dog and the man said he was going to be hosting the Fido Awards on Nick at Nite.
Alli looked over at me and I THOUGHT she said, "Nick at Nite? ... So do we need to get naked???"
I said, "What????" Then it hit me, and I told her, "NOT Naked Night, NICK...at Nite."
So what are YOUR kids watching???
So a commercial came on with some man and his dog and the man said he was going to be hosting the Fido Awards on Nick at Nite.
Alli looked over at me and I THOUGHT she said, "Nick at Nite? ... So do we need to get naked???"
I said, "What????" Then it hit me, and I told her, "NOT Naked Night, NICK...at Nite."
So what are YOUR kids watching???
Friday, September 26, 2008
Just a quote from Alli...
Problably one of those have-to-be-there sorts of things....or something only a mother enjoys, but I'm writing it anyway, because this is MY blog and I can write whatever I want, lol. :D
Al was playing with some boxes I have. They're the kind that fit inside each other like nesting dolls. These particular ones actually turn into a sort of Santa Claus if you take them out and stack them up. Don't ask me why she has them out in September.
She took them out and apart, then put them back together and said, "Three boxes that fit into one. That's dandy!"
Indeed it is.
Al was playing with some boxes I have. They're the kind that fit inside each other like nesting dolls. These particular ones actually turn into a sort of Santa Claus if you take them out and stack them up. Don't ask me why she has them out in September.
She took them out and apart, then put them back together and said, "Three boxes that fit into one. That's dandy!"
Indeed it is.
Where to?
Where do you go after "hoarse crack"? Now there's a question you never thought you'd hear, huh? Well, I'd never really anticipated such a question either, but then again, I never really anticipated someone telling me I've got hoarse crack. But, regardless of expectations and anticipations, that's the question of the evening.
Hmmmm...what do you say we talk about my cooking? Sad that the term "hoarse crack" makes me think of my cooking, but, well, if you'd ever ate something I cooked, you might see the connection.
You think I kid, don't you? Think I'm being rough on myself? Well, let's see. Come with me. You'll have to be really quiet, because we're going to spy. Spy on who? Well, my toughest critics: my children.
Let's have a look:
It's a Friday evening and my kids have become a little too accustomed to "convenience foods." But, like Old Mother Hubbard's cupboards, mine were looking pretty bare, so I resorted to cooking from scratch. This alone raised suspicion, but desperate times call for desperate measures, so scratchin' I did. I can't recall right now just exactly what I made, but it was nothing bizarre and really wasn't a flop. Now, admittedly, it was also NOT gourmet, but we aren't exactly the silver spoon set, so we don't see much gourmet, anyway.
The girls took their dishes and headed to the living room to watch some tv while they ate. I was still doing something (again I don't remember what) so I remained in the kitchen...which actually was open to the living room. It was one of those "great room" setups. So I wasn't sitting with them, but I could hear them and see them. Now listen closely and you can hear them, too.
Allison: Pray! (Allison's command for "saying Grace".)
Megan: (quietly) We'd better pray that this stuff is edible.
Do I really need to say more? Probably not, but I'll give you another example. Again, it comes from my toughest critics.
This summer we were visiting family in Montana. My mom, my sister in law, my brother and I were sitting in Mom's living room. My niece said something about someone's cooking being good. Then she said something like, "Well all three of you are good cooks." I chuckled and said, "Well, Faithie, technically I'm not that good." And as she sweetly smiled at me, my daughter tried coming to my defense by saying, "Well, Mom, you don't really cook. You microwave."
With "friends" like these....
Ok, one more case in point. Within the last month I again was doing some real cooking. I asked the girls what they thought of whatever it was I'd cooked and Allison looked at me and said, "Not bad for a beginning cooker, Mom."
So there ya have it...my cooking naturally follows the subject of hoarse crack.
Go figure.
Hmmmm...what do you say we talk about my cooking? Sad that the term "hoarse crack" makes me think of my cooking, but, well, if you'd ever ate something I cooked, you might see the connection.
You think I kid, don't you? Think I'm being rough on myself? Well, let's see. Come with me. You'll have to be really quiet, because we're going to spy. Spy on who? Well, my toughest critics: my children.
Let's have a look:
It's a Friday evening and my kids have become a little too accustomed to "convenience foods." But, like Old Mother Hubbard's cupboards, mine were looking pretty bare, so I resorted to cooking from scratch. This alone raised suspicion, but desperate times call for desperate measures, so scratchin' I did. I can't recall right now just exactly what I made, but it was nothing bizarre and really wasn't a flop. Now, admittedly, it was also NOT gourmet, but we aren't exactly the silver spoon set, so we don't see much gourmet, anyway.
The girls took their dishes and headed to the living room to watch some tv while they ate. I was still doing something (again I don't remember what) so I remained in the kitchen...which actually was open to the living room. It was one of those "great room" setups. So I wasn't sitting with them, but I could hear them and see them. Now listen closely and you can hear them, too.
Allison: Pray! (Allison's command for "saying Grace".)
Megan: (quietly) We'd better pray that this stuff is edible.
Do I really need to say more? Probably not, but I'll give you another example. Again, it comes from my toughest critics.
This summer we were visiting family in Montana. My mom, my sister in law, my brother and I were sitting in Mom's living room. My niece said something about someone's cooking being good. Then she said something like, "Well all three of you are good cooks." I chuckled and said, "Well, Faithie, technically I'm not that good." And as she sweetly smiled at me, my daughter tried coming to my defense by saying, "Well, Mom, you don't really cook. You microwave."
With "friends" like these....
Ok, one more case in point. Within the last month I again was doing some real cooking. I asked the girls what they thought of whatever it was I'd cooked and Allison looked at me and said, "Not bad for a beginning cooker, Mom."
So there ya have it...my cooking naturally follows the subject of hoarse crack.
Go figure.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
A 5-Year-Old's Diagnosis
Well, this was day two without a voice. I was only hoarse when I left school yesterday. Today my voice cut in and out, but when it was "in" it was pretty weak. This really perplexes 5-year-olds. (Can you make 'perplex' a verb?)
One little boy came into my classroom this morning and upon hearing my voice became immediately interested. He sat down at a computer near me and after a few minutes he turned to me and said (in his little gruff booming voice), "You've got hoarse crack!" (Or was it 'horse crack'? I've got no idea.) I chuckled and said, "You mean I have a hoarse voice." He looked at me like that was about the most ridiculous thing in the world and said, very emphatically, "You don't got a hoarse voice! You've got hoarse crack!!"
I think I feel worse now that I've got a diagnosis.
One little boy came into my classroom this morning and upon hearing my voice became immediately interested. He sat down at a computer near me and after a few minutes he turned to me and said (in his little gruff booming voice), "You've got hoarse crack!" (Or was it 'horse crack'? I've got no idea.) I chuckled and said, "You mean I have a hoarse voice." He looked at me like that was about the most ridiculous thing in the world and said, very emphatically, "You don't got a hoarse voice! You've got hoarse crack!!"
I think I feel worse now that I've got a diagnosis.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
"I Miss My Time With You"
I know we all hold different beliefs, but I'm going to talk personally here. Time for some serious.
Yeeeeears ago...like when I was a teenager (that really really hurt to type)...Larnelle Harris came out with a song called, "I Miss My Time With You." And although it grieves my heart to confess, I think that song is what God is singing about me these days. Here are the words...
"There he was just waiting,
in our old familiar place
an empty spot beside him,
where once i used to wait
To be filled with strength and wisdom
for the battles of the day
I would have passed him by again
If I didn't hear him say
(chorus)
I miss my time with you
Those moments together
I need to be with you each day
And it hurt's me when you say
You're too busy
Busy trying to serve me
But how can you serve me
When your spirit's empty
Tthere's a longing in my heart
Wanting more than just a part of you
It's true.......I miss my time with you
What do I have to offer
How can I truly care
My efforts have no meaning
When your presence isn't there
But you will provide the power
If I take time to pray
I'll stay right here beside you
And you will never have to say...
I miss my time with you
Those moments together
I need to be with you each day
And it hurt's me when you say
You're too busy
Busy trying to serve me
But how can you serve me
When your spirit's empty
Tthere's a longing in my heart
Wanting more than just a part of you
It's true.......I miss my time with you"
(If you care to hear it, youtube will oblige at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XtDoQUQuQBQ)
That song stung my heart all those years ago...and it still does today. I struggle...and always have...with anything involving discipline. (Thank God for a high metabolism...seriously.) And along those lines of discipline come the spiritual discipline of taking time out of each day just to spend in God's word. To allow Him to speak to me and to teach me His ways and His wisdom. To be with Him and draw upon His strength.
And the thing is...the thing that makes that song speak so loudly to me...is the personal nature of it. God, through Jesus, is very personal with me. I know some don't understand it. I know some haven't experienced it. And I know that some aren't interested right now. And that grieves my heart. It really does. How much a person misses by not experiencing the personal relationship we can have with Jesus. It's not a matter of rules...of do's and don'ts. It's not even JUST a matter of eternity, life after death...it's about here and now. It's about hope and strength in the middle of a world that doesn't offer much. It's about love and joy when things around us can bring such unhappiness. It's about healing and wholeness in the midst of disease and brokenness.
It may sound to some like I'm preaching (if you've bothered to read this far.) But I don't mean it that way at all. I don't mean it as judgement or a setting of myself above anyone else. Because YOUR relationship with God is personal, too. And anyway, your relationship with Him isn't even why I'm writing this.
I'm talking about my own. What is God saying to me these days? Well...a few things. First would be the message of the song...that He misses me.
Secondly, I think if He were sitting here and speaking with audible voice, He'd be telling me that He is all I need. Something in my heart has always wanted "someone" to fill it. I've loved the Lord and spiritually He IS enough. But I get my sight off Him and I long for a human to tell me that they love me...that they choose me...that they want to be with me more than anyone else in the world. And I get so absorbed in that longing, that I don't give God time. And how can He be all I need if I don't let Him in like I should? If my focus isn't on Him? So I think that would be a big thing He'd say, too.
And thirdly, I think He'd tell me that I'm not alone. That I don't have to carry everything alone. I struggle as a single mom, trying to be everything an entire family and household need. And I get to pitying the situation and feeling like I'm in it alone. But the truth is, I'm not. If I could count the times I've specifically realized that God provided or came through for me there wouldn't be enough space on this blog. And there are heaps more that only He realizes because...well...sometimes I'm clueless. (Please don't tell anyone; my cluelessness is a secret.)
I'm sure He could come up with a whole lot more to say. And Him being the wise one, I'm sure He'd have other truth that I wouldn't even suspect....but it would meet a need and it would heal a hurt and it would bring me another step closer to wholeness.
I love God. I love Jesus. I know to some that sounds like mumbo jumbo...something someone just says, but I mean it from the bottom of my heart. Without Him, I'm nothing. There have been plenty of people in this world who prove that's about the value they'd place on me. But WITH Him...I'm SOMEONE. To Him, I have worth.
So I'm thinking it's time I started giving Him more time. Give Him the chance again to work in my heart.
Just thought I'd share....
Yeeeeears ago...like when I was a teenager (that really really hurt to type)...Larnelle Harris came out with a song called, "I Miss My Time With You." And although it grieves my heart to confess, I think that song is what God is singing about me these days. Here are the words...
"There he was just waiting,
in our old familiar place
an empty spot beside him,
where once i used to wait
To be filled with strength and wisdom
for the battles of the day
I would have passed him by again
If I didn't hear him say
(chorus)
I miss my time with you
Those moments together
I need to be with you each day
And it hurt's me when you say
You're too busy
Busy trying to serve me
But how can you serve me
When your spirit's empty
Tthere's a longing in my heart
Wanting more than just a part of you
It's true.......I miss my time with you
What do I have to offer
How can I truly care
My efforts have no meaning
When your presence isn't there
But you will provide the power
If I take time to pray
I'll stay right here beside you
And you will never have to say...
I miss my time with you
Those moments together
I need to be with you each day
And it hurt's me when you say
You're too busy
Busy trying to serve me
But how can you serve me
When your spirit's empty
Tthere's a longing in my heart
Wanting more than just a part of you
It's true.......I miss my time with you"
(If you care to hear it, youtube will oblige at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XtDoQUQuQBQ)
That song stung my heart all those years ago...and it still does today. I struggle...and always have...with anything involving discipline. (Thank God for a high metabolism...seriously.) And along those lines of discipline come the spiritual discipline of taking time out of each day just to spend in God's word. To allow Him to speak to me and to teach me His ways and His wisdom. To be with Him and draw upon His strength.
And the thing is...the thing that makes that song speak so loudly to me...is the personal nature of it. God, through Jesus, is very personal with me. I know some don't understand it. I know some haven't experienced it. And I know that some aren't interested right now. And that grieves my heart. It really does. How much a person misses by not experiencing the personal relationship we can have with Jesus. It's not a matter of rules...of do's and don'ts. It's not even JUST a matter of eternity, life after death...it's about here and now. It's about hope and strength in the middle of a world that doesn't offer much. It's about love and joy when things around us can bring such unhappiness. It's about healing and wholeness in the midst of disease and brokenness.
It may sound to some like I'm preaching (if you've bothered to read this far.) But I don't mean it that way at all. I don't mean it as judgement or a setting of myself above anyone else. Because YOUR relationship with God is personal, too. And anyway, your relationship with Him isn't even why I'm writing this.
I'm talking about my own. What is God saying to me these days? Well...a few things. First would be the message of the song...that He misses me.
Secondly, I think if He were sitting here and speaking with audible voice, He'd be telling me that He is all I need. Something in my heart has always wanted "someone" to fill it. I've loved the Lord and spiritually He IS enough. But I get my sight off Him and I long for a human to tell me that they love me...that they choose me...that they want to be with me more than anyone else in the world. And I get so absorbed in that longing, that I don't give God time. And how can He be all I need if I don't let Him in like I should? If my focus isn't on Him? So I think that would be a big thing He'd say, too.
And thirdly, I think He'd tell me that I'm not alone. That I don't have to carry everything alone. I struggle as a single mom, trying to be everything an entire family and household need. And I get to pitying the situation and feeling like I'm in it alone. But the truth is, I'm not. If I could count the times I've specifically realized that God provided or came through for me there wouldn't be enough space on this blog. And there are heaps more that only He realizes because...well...sometimes I'm clueless. (Please don't tell anyone; my cluelessness is a secret.)
I'm sure He could come up with a whole lot more to say. And Him being the wise one, I'm sure He'd have other truth that I wouldn't even suspect....but it would meet a need and it would heal a hurt and it would bring me another step closer to wholeness.
I love God. I love Jesus. I know to some that sounds like mumbo jumbo...something someone just says, but I mean it from the bottom of my heart. Without Him, I'm nothing. There have been plenty of people in this world who prove that's about the value they'd place on me. But WITH Him...I'm SOMEONE. To Him, I have worth.
So I'm thinking it's time I started giving Him more time. Give Him the chance again to work in my heart.
Just thought I'd share....
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